Halloween, Thanksgiving and Gallstones... OH MY.

To quote one one of my favorite movies:  "Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well!" 

Hi... I'm Marc and I suck at keeping up to date.  I guess I have somewhat of an excuse.  Things have just been insanely busy.  I'll try and not make this post too long.  No one really wants to read my babbling anyway.

The last time I updated was over 2 months ago.  Our little man is now 3 months old!!  I'll get to pictures in a bit.  Time is just going by so fucking fast!  Its kind of scary to be honest.  I feel like there are times I'm neglecting life. But my wife and G are my life so I guess I'm not really neglecting it. 

I feel that I've hit a new point in my life.  Maybe the word "point" isn't the best word.  Its more like a milestone... maybe.  Its this new phase (Yes... phase is the word I wanted ha ha.) in life.  I have this need to be around other new parents, mainly new fathers.  Someone to talk to, rant to, bounce parenting ideas off of.  But I feel like I have ZERO time for that.  Zero time for socializing really.  And when we do, there are times I feel like we are "those" people.  If we were a title of an episode of Friends.. we'd be, "The Ones With The Baby".   I don't mean to make it sound negative.  I am VERY happy about it.  But its this phase much like the one after you get married and your the only married couple among your group of friends.  And sometimes you just feel awkward about trying to hang out with people.  I'm not really sure how to explain it.  But I know there are others that can understand what I mean.  Shit, maybe its just me.  Who knows.  Between craziness of work, being a new dad and my wife's health (which I'll get to in a minute), things are pretty much a whirlwind right now.

With life going by so fast and G growing up is starting to get me a bit worried.  The sooner he grows up the sooner I'll have to be more upfront about his origins.  I talk about to him now but its not like he knows what I'm really saying.  The more I talk to him about how much Jen and I wanted him in our lives, and that we had to use a donor in order to make this happen does help me talk about it more openly.  But I also don't have him talking back to me asking questions.  I don't know how he will feel about it.  I'm PROUD of being a transdad.  I'm PROUD of our unique family.  And I want him to be PROUD of where he came from too.  But how do I know he will?  I don't.  And that worries me sometimes.  


My parents finally were able to come up and meet G in person!  That was exciting!

G and his Baba.

G and his Grandpa.

Halloween... we did dress G up in a costume for his first Halloween.  He was an ADORABLE turtle!

Turtle time!

He is so cute!

We also had this little outfit a friend of mine made!

So not only did my parents come and G got to dress up for Halloween.  He also turned 2 months old!

He does NOT look amused.

November... We were able to get some really nice pictures done as a family.  LOVE these.  They turned out AMAZING.  (Also I was happy that I had a GOOD hair day! ha ha)

My brother, who lives in Wisconsin, sent G his first sports tee.  We are not sports fans but it looks good on him!

Game Face Ready! He looks so grown up in this picture.

And with November, G is now 3 months old!

He was probably pooping in this picture.

And then...comes Thanksgiving.  And this year I have SO much to be thankful for.  And the majority of the reason is why I do this blog.  For my son.  I'll definitely do an "End of the Year" blog post and get into more detail but this kid right here, has changed my life for the better.  My son, where the phrase, "Love at first sight" rings the most true.   And also with Thanksgiving brings the third element of my blog title... Gallstones.

My wife has been having a lot of health issues since after G was born.  What the docs first thought was just major acid reflux, it was really gallstone.  At least we know the real reason for all the pain and discomfort she has been dealing with.  She already had an appointment set up to talk with the surgeon to have her gallbladder removed, but on Thanksgiving she had this massive attack that ended up with her being put in the hospital with pancreatitis.  And that is how we spent our Thanksgiving this year.  Ideally not how we wanted to spend our first Thanksgiving with G but we just gotta roll with the punches.  Hopefully, she can get this gallbladder out and be pain free by the new year.

That about wraps it up for now I guess. Right now Jen is sleeping after an exhausting day at work and with G (She is able to take him to work with her which is great.) and she is still not feeling 100%.  G is sleeping in his little rocker in the living room while I sit here typing.  The TV is on but I'm not really paying attention, and I all of a sudden started thinking.  Thinking about my life.  Thinking about how far I've gone in my own journey of self-discovery.  

I remember in high school, just wanting to know WHO I was.  And when I thought I knew... I was only just beginning to discover my true self. 

When we're young, we all have this vision of what we think life is going to be for us.  Or at least, what we hope for it to be.  We take our map and try to draw the route on how we are going to get from point A to point B.  Deep down, we all know its never going to go as we planned.  There will be detours, closed roads, accidents, construction and major traffic jams.  And in certain moments, we all have road rage. However, every now and then, I think we all need to just take a second and look in the rear view mirror.  And be proud of how far we've gone.

1 Month Quick Update!

Well ladies and Gents....
On September 19th... which happens to be my parent's anniversary and also.... International Talk Like A Pirate day....Our little guy turned 1 month old!!

Happy 1 Month Birthday!!!

WHAT?!?!

People talked about how time flies with kids and how fast they seem to grow... but this is crazy.  Granted, the first week and a half he was in a hospital so that could be a bit of why it seems to be going fast but I know its not the ONLY reason. 

Its funny when I think back to when I was in middle school.  I didn't want any part of marriage or babies.  None of that.  But here I am married to an amazing woman and now a proud dad to this amazing kid.

As far as how I feel as a transdad... Well, that's hard to say really.  Which I guess is a good thing.  While things have been busy with G in our household, I haven't really thought about it too much.  At least not in a negative way.  Yes I know we are not biologically related but I don't feel that makes me any less his dad than if we were biologically related.  I have found things he does (which are limited of course.. he IS only a month old. :)) that make me feel more connected with him.  Simple things like him finally settling down after belting out the theme song to Arthur and Pokemon several times.  His farting and burping.  These are things I love haha.

I don't feel any less of a father because I'm trans.  And I know that there will be times where I will have some issues but right now in this moment... I'm a happy, proud father of an amazing boy.  And I can't wait to see how our relationship grows and develops.

Well this will be a short post.  As little G is starting to wake up.   Enjoy some pictures since I didn't get to post some on the last post.

Later Gator!!

I love this kid!!

Wife took this picture during our relax time. Ha!

The Rhythm of Fatherhood

I'm a music man... not really like Harold Hill, however I think I'd like to play that role someday! Ha!  But a lover of music.  Sometimes I feel our lives are a forever looping piece sheet of music, filled with key and time signatures, some measures are filled with accidentals and we grit our teeth to get through the madness and our sheet music also has an infinite amount of volta brackets for every situation.  We get used to a groove or melody and when there is a change midway through and we continue on with life's song.  We might miss a note or two and say, "... Shit... damn it... or what the what?!" but we all get through to the next portion eventually.  This is how I feel right now.  I'm just getting started in the next portion of my musical piece.  I'm trying to learn and get used to this new key signature and tempo.  Its not perfect... but its still beautiful.

G has been home with us just over a week.  And on Tuesday he will be 3 weeks old.  3 weeks!!  I feel like the first portion of his life is flying by fast.  Jen and I are trying to get a rhythm of parenthood and I think for the most part... its going well.  It's insane to me how quickly I think we've learned about G and who he is.  Our intuition has kicked in to high gear and we can (at times) know what he wants/needs.  This unspoken (sometimes crying/wailing) language.

There are days where I still struggle with the fact that he isn't biologically mine.  In a previous blog I talked about how the very first thing most people said at the hospital was how much he looked like me and how happy it made me feel. I know this will happen for a while. Its something that I will have to get used to and find different ways to deal with these situations.  But as he gets older by he day he grows and changes.  And those days are slowly going away.  And not that I want people to lie and say that he looks a bit like me.  Its just hard at times to hear over and over how much he looks like Jen.  Which in the long run... it's better for him to look like Jen than me!  :)

I've also gone back to work for the most part.  Took a few days off since G is home now so we can have some family bonding time.  That has been harder than I thought.  I have been feeling really overwhelmed.  Coming back after a holiday weekend and I still feel like I am struggling to get things in order.  Feeling like I can't catch up!  And that bugs the shit out of me.  I usually have my work things VERY organized.  And when that's out of my control, I get very overwhelmed.  Hopefully after the next few days back at work, I'll be able to get things back to "normal."



*** I have a lot more pictures to post... however my photostream is being a dick!**

Under One Roof.... Finally.

Things have been pretty crazy.  I had thought I'd update every few days but obviously... its not looking that way.  But the reason why I haven't updated in a week is a good thing!

My boy is FINALLY HOME!!  He came home on Friday, August 29th.  The day before I had a feeling that he was getting ready to come home soon.  He was seeing a ton of new doctors, doing "final" tests, to just make sure all his vitals and everything seemed stable.  While he was out of the NICU he saw a speech therapist several times to work with him on his feeding.  I never got to meet her but Jen did.  She worked really hard with G to help him remember and get back to sucking on a bottle.  He still had the feeding tube in so they would tube feed him the rest after he didn't eat anymore by mouth.  But after a couple days, the speech therapist had them remove the tube and not tube feed him the rest.  And that seemed to do the trick.  He started to eat more and more which was GREAT!

He also saw a physical therapist and an occupational therapist.  They worked with him to make sure that his motor skills and things were working properly.  They said they felt that everything was great.  He still has to see a developmental specialist for about the first year of his life to make sure he is hitting his milestones.  Even though the MRI is clear, doesn't mean that there won't be any issues of other kinds down the road.  So they are having him see someone just to make sure things are good as he gets older during the critical development time.  They said they don't see why he would have any issues but this is to just be sure.   He also got his eyes and hearing checked and passed that as well.

We are SO happy that he is home.  We are finally getting to figure out this parenting thing without having to go and do it at a hospital.  Without him hooked up to wires.  Its perfect.  He is perfect.  His smell, his eyes, his hair, his nose and ears... his baby movements, his farting and pooping.  All. Are. Perfect. To. Me.

I never really talked about in the last blog post about how I felt about some things.  I wanted to tell the story of his birth but there were some things I left out.

When he was born and they took him to the sick nursery before they transported him to UVA, I was able to see him and touch him for the first time.  The nurses around were telling me how much he looked just like me.  I had a lot of feelings about it.  Nothing bad.  Just different feelings.  All I could do was smile and say thank you.  And I would look at him and think, "Does he look like me?" "I don't know..", "I guess so.", "If they think so then that is good!"...  At times I was also thinking that maybe they were saying that just to be nice.  He obviously looks like he has Asian in him. Which works well for me.  But what really knocked it out of the ball park for me was my mother.  I had snapped what I felt was several hundred photos of him while I could before he left to UVA.  And of course after calling my parents and telling them everything that was happening as I knew things, I send them a pictures.  They of course thought he was the cutest. (I mean.. duh!)  But when I called back later and talked to my mom the first thing she said was, "I can't believe it!  He looks kinda of like you when you were born!"  I felt at ease then.  Not that I was uneasy but it was just something I needed to hear to help me feel more confident about everything.  It will definitely be interesting to see how he develops into adulthood.

The first night he was transferred out of NICU I stayed over night with him in his room.  It was the first time him and I would be alone.  Jen was home still trying to recover from the crazy C-Section and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be too lonely at night in the new place.  I was scared, nervous, and anxious.  He was really fussy that night.  But I stayed up pretty much all night with him.  Held him and tried to calm him down.  When he was getting really upset I would sing, "Put On A Happy Face", from Bye Bye Birdie and oddly... that seemed to help for a bit.  Most of all we chatted... well I chatted.  He was hopefully listening.  It was our first alone time.  Father and Son time.  We had a heart to heart.  I told him how much his mother and I loved him.  And that we can't wait for him to come home.  I also told him something I never really said out loud.  I told him that mommy and I really really wanted to have him. And we tried for a very long time.  And that we needed some help.  So that And although he and I aren't "blood"related, that I was his daddy and nothing was ever going to change that. I cried.  I cried a lot that night.  Not because I was upset really... I was just so emotional.  I was finally really holding my son and we had our first of many bonding moments.  It felt good and most importantly... it felt right.

I had read and talked to some fathers in an online group I'm a part of for DI Dad (Donor Insemination Dads) and all have said how they just felt so much better after doing that the first time with their kid.  I wasn't so sure but after I did... they were right.  They were SO right.  When the time comes where we slowly talk about where he came from and his story, it will just be easier down the road.

 He's been home so far for two nights.  And its definitely been a learning experience.  But, I seem to be adapting pretty well.  Right now, I just want him to sleep! Haha. He hasn't really slept too much during the day. Poor guy. He seems like he is trying to stay awake like he doesn't want to miss anything. Sometimes I think it's because he was in a strange place for over a week and he saw so many different people. He never had this "normal routine" of people before, and he just doesn't wanna miss anything?  He's been good the past two nights sleeping. It's the afternoons that are hard. He's eating like a champ we think. Way better than he did while at the hospital.

Jen is starting to finally feel better. Walking around a bit better than the past couple of days. She will feel better mentally once she can get around better.

Well, I should end now. It's taken me hours just to do this! Haha. I'll leave you all with some pictures. 

G finally home.  And Holly our cat seeing him for the first time.

Tooties!!!

Just burped!

Trying to calm him down at his first trip to the pediatrician.

Rock n Roll Baby!

And so the story begins

So a lot of people know that Jen has had our little G.  It was a rough start to his life.  I've been very vague about a lot of things on Facebook while trying to keep people that we know and love updated on things.  Why vague?  I don't have a "real" reason, but then again I really don't need to have one.  I guess the main reason was because I would have to keep repeating the story over and over. And to be honest, I don't really like to relive the moment.  After some thinking I remembered that I have this blog.  The very reason why I started this.  To document and remember things as Grayson is born and grows up.  So I felt that doing everything via this blog was he best thing to do.  Plus believe it or not, I do have friends and family that are not on Facebook. 

And so the story begins...

Jen's water broke at 6:30am Monday, August 18th.  She had just gotten up to go to the bathroom and barely made it before the flood gates opened.  She yelled for me but I was in the shower and didn't hear her.  She comes into the other bathroom and tells me she thinks her water broke.  We called the doctors office and they had us come in so that they could confirm.  With the amount of water that came out there was no doubt to us after a while that it indeed her water.  We then headed to the doctors office and the midwife there was going to test to the fluid that to confirm.  The funniest thing was that as soon as Jen took her pants off to get on the table another gush came. The midwife then said that , "Yup... water is broken" and we all kind of chuckled.  At this point all you can do is laugh.  We then pretty much realized that when it came to the birthing process... modesty is thrown out the window.

They told us to start walking and head over to the hospital by noon.  Unless she was starting regular contractions then we were to head over sooner.  We walked and walked around the neighborhood and no contractions.  So we headed over by noon.

Once we got there we headed into Martha Jefferson Hospital and got into our birthing room.  I would like to just say that the people at MJH from the time of insemination till we left there have been absolutely incredible.  Supportive, caring, and compassionate people.  I'll spare the details of birthing... so we will fast forward to about 2am on Tuesday, August 19th.

At this time Jen was finally 10cm dilated and it was time to push.  After hours of pushing G just didn't wanna come down and out. And by 6:30ish am...  C-section needed to happen.

The c-section started off very normal.  I sat with Jen by her head while they operated.  They were telling us everything they were doing.  But at the point where they were to pull him out.  That is where things became more difficult.  His head was still stuck in the birth canal and so they had to pull him up and out of that to get him out, an he then was stretched all the way out.  The doctor was about elbow deep trying to get his feet to pull him out.  And he was also facing up.  Not to mention that he is 9lb 8oz of a hunk of baby!  They had to push down on Jen up on her chest to try and get him out.  The doctor said that in his 30+ years doing this... this was one of the most difficult c-sections he had ever performed.

So after the insane c-section G was out and into the world, but he wasn't breathing.  They got him on the table and did CPR and still nothing.  His heart rate was starting to fall fast.  And things in the OR was just crazy.  People running around, talking all this medical stuff and it was pretty much the scariest thing I have ever had to see in my entire life. Jen and I were in hysterics and I felt caught in between trying to calm Jen down and trying to make sure my boy was okay.  They put a tube in his mouth and after what felt like an eternity he started to breathe again.  In those moments before he started to breathe I felt empty. I felt like my soul had left my body and there was nothing left. And as soon as they said he was breathing I became whole again.  

They took him over to the sick nursery in MJH and Jen and I went to the recovery room. The doctors and nurses came back and told us that due to the period of time with out oxygen there might be damage to the brain.  They also thought that he might have had a seizure as well.  And that he needed to get transferred to UVA NICU so that they could do treatment.  They did a Hypothermia Therapy on him followed by an MRI.

After a bit I was able to go back into the sick nursery to see him while they tried to get an IV into him.  They ended up having to put it in his belly button.  My first time seeing my son.  So many emotions ran through me.  I was so happy to see him, he was finally breathing on his own and the nurses were surprised on how fast he bounced right back.  My son awake and looking at me.  He is here and in the flesh.  All I wanted to do was hug on him and give him loads of kisses and love.  But I couldn't.  I could touch him and I felt so sad that he was going through all of this.  That Jen had yet to even see him and was wondering what was happening.  I was able to get some pictures of him during this process.

G was born 9lbs 8oz on August 19, 2014 at 8:01am!

My little man looking right at me.

G looking at me about to grab my finger.

G was on his treatment for 72 hours.  It was really hard to see him the way he was.  Cold and shivering, but each day I saw him he looked better and better.

(8/19) His first day at UVA NICU.  Just started treatment.

(8/20) G with better color.

(8/21) Even better color... Go G!

(8/22) Jen FINALLY out of MJH and getting to spend time with G!

They finished the cooling treatment on Friday night (8/22) to begin the slow warming process.  8/23 he was able to regulate normal body temperature on his own. And things were looking good.  He had the cooling tube removed, and his EEG wires removed.  We can finally see all that hair he has!

G with NO cooling tube down his throat.

Now the EEG wires are off his head!

Busy boy taking a rest.

Mother and Son finally getting skin to skin in Jen's shirt. So beautiful!

So now we are at the present... 8/24.  I tried my best to do a recap of what has happened this past week.  I left out some random things but whatever. :)

I'm FINALLY able to hold my boy.

This morning G had his MRI.  At first they said that we might not get results until tomorrow because it was Sunday.  But when we asked again the nurse didn't like that answer and made sure that there would be someone to read the MRI today!  We just got a call from the doctor and everything is clear!  G has past all his tests!!  Atta boy!  Either tonight or overnight tonight he will be transferred OUT of ICU and into regular inpatient!  All he has to do now is work on his feeding goals and we should be able to bring his chunky butt home!

There were plenty if times while I was visiting him in the NICU that I was torn. Especially when Jen was still at MJH and G was at UVA. I also questioned myself. Was I visiting enough? Did I stay long enough? Were people there judging me on how often I visited and stayed. Did G know? 

All in all I'm happy things are better and I can't wait to be lovin' on my boy. 

How Does That Work?

Okay... lets do a real post now!

So as the weeks and days are fast approaching, I'm starting to get a bit more nervous.  Not in an "Oh my God... what did I get myself into." way.  But more of a "Oh shit... this is really happening." way.

There are things that I am constantly thinking about.  Sometimes I think its what keeps me up at night lately.  These things are simple.  And I'm sure every parent thinks about it... but maybe in a slightly different way. 

I've been thinking a lot about what he will look like.  What physical characteristics will he will take from Jen and what will he take from the donor?  Will he be blonde, or a brunette?  Will he have Asian eyes or not?  Genetics is a funny thing.  I am half Asian.. my mom Japanese and my biological father white.  Usually the Asian gene is much more dominate, those that are half Japanese like me usually look a lot more Asian.  I inherited most of the recessive genes I think.  G will be a quarter Asian... but there is still a big chance that he will look more Asian than me.  Which is fine by me! Everyone loves a cute Asian baby!

I blogged a while back about how I reached out to someone on Facebook that used the same donor we did and didn't think I would get a response back.  Well I did!  She was very nice and we talked about sharing pictures of our kids with each other.  I think this is a great resource.  Just to have someone to talk to I think is good.  Her little boy is adorable!  Its interesting to see what similar physical characteristics G will have with her kid. She set up a closed Facebook group for people that used the same donor so we all can be in contact with each other if we wanted.  There is another woman who just found out she is pregnant as well.  So exciting!!  I'm not gonna go into much detail with the other people because I want to respect their privacy.

Last week I received a random phone call from someone that I haven't talked to in over 3 years.  I didn't even have their number in my phone so I was hesitant to even answer it.  He called just to see how things have been with me since the move to Virginia.  I told him that the move here has been life changing.  I've been happier, I love my job, I was able to get top surgery and we are expecting a baby.

His first response.... "How does that work?"  What I wanted to say was, "What do you mean how does that work?  How the fuck do you think it works? Did you not take a biology class?  Do you not know what happens when a sperm and egg meet?" While I was thinking all these things he continued with, "So you guys just got some sperm or something?  Do you know the guy?" *facepalm*  I told him we went to a Cryobank and selected a donor and went to a doctor.   I didn't want to go into detail.  I don't really like talking about it in detail.  Not that I'm ashamed of it or anything.  But in all honesty... it doesn't matter.  The only time I'll probably talk about it in detail would be with other people who have to do the same thing for whatever their reason is.  Other than that... why we picked the donor, how we picked the donor, how much we had to pay, anything about the donor does... not... matter.

What matters is that I love my son with everything that I have and I will do whatever I can to make sure he knows that he is loved.  And that I'd do anything for him.

Just about 6 weeks to go!! Really short post....

Well ladies and gents... We have about 6 weeks to go before G is born. 

6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks?!  

So yeah... I guess its finally hitting me.  

I'll be blogging a bit more this weekend.  :)

Time for an update

Well it's been almost a month since the last time I've updated...womp womp.

#ivebeenaslacker

I feel like I've been crazy busy.  Things however are going pretty well.  G's room is starting to come together.  Right now its still kind of a mess due to the stuff we are getting so there are some boxes laying around but overall things are good.  I've manage to get some things up on the wall.

Our latest addition is this awesome owl clock I found at Bed Bath and Beyond.  It fits perfectly.

His crib is also coming together nicely.  We threw some random things in there right now only because we haven't decided on where some of this stuff will go yet.  We need to get a some more shelving and possibly put up some of the stuffed animals and the books there.

These colors really made me feel relaxed and calm.  Hopefully it does the same for G!

Two weekends ago we have a little baby shower that Jen's mom did for us while we were in Maryland.  It was really nice and sweet.  We got to see some people we haven't seen in a long while and she did a great job with decorations and everything.  It was nursery rhyme themed and it was so adorable. 

And this past Saturday we had one here in Charlottesville.  Three of our friends got together and put together a great baby shower as well.  It was a Broadway themed shower and the invitations that were went out looked like Playbills.  It was great to see everyone there that supported us.  After we opened up presents I wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciated that they were there.  Jen and I invited the new local friends (and some closer family/friends that were near by) we made here that were always 100% supportive of our journey and this new chapter in our lives.  I may or may not have almost ugly cried while trying to say thank you.  These baby showers have really made things sink in.  G is almost here!!  I can't wait to meet this kid. 

In other news, Jen and I have both agreed that once G is born we will add him to the donor sibling registry.  We think it would be great to find other people that used the same donor we did and to have the kids be connected.  I think it will be great for G to meet and be able to connect with other kids that are also in his situation.  As I was looking online I decided to look on Facebook for the cryobank we used.  As I'm looking on the page I see all these happy stories and I start to see people post up which donor they used and asking if others have used the same donor.  People normally ask to see if they were successful in getting pregnant with that particular donor.  Well... as I was about to navigate away from that page I see someone ask if they had used Donor ####.  This was our donor!  Someone then commented and said they did and they were pregnant!  I immediately begin to go into Facebook stalking mode and messaged one of the mothers (They were a lesbian coupe).  I told her that we used the same donor and didn't know if she wanted to connect.  I know some people don't want to connect and that is perfectly okay! But I'll never know if I don't ask.  I'm not even sure she will even see my message since we don't have any Facebook friends in common it goes into the (Other) folder and she isn't notified.  We shall see.  I was able to see pictures of her beautiful new baby boy with a little "stalking" (Gosh the Internet is scary sometimes I guess ha ha).  And that was kind of neat to see.  It was great to maybe see some of the facial feature that G might have as well!  I'm sure our kids will look similar.

Also in other news because I've been a slacker in updating....  We've also started our baby classes.  We have 2 more classes to go.  That is another thing that is making this oh so real.  I think the biggest thing for me that I am a little scared/stressed about is the actual birth.  I'm pretty sure Jen is worried more about it than I am, rightfully so!  But what gets me is that while Jen is going into labor and giving birth, and she and her body are doing this miraculous thing... what the hell am I doing?!  She will be in pain and working her ass off giving birth... and there is pretty much nothing I can do to help.  I mean I know I will be helping her by being with her, supporting her, and doing whatever she needs to be comfortable.  But as someone who just wants to fix things in an instant... I think this will be hard for me.  Because I just can't fix whatever pain she is in.  That is all out of my control.  And that scares me. I'm sure these are all things most fathers feel.  But its also something I never really took into consideration before. 

I have much appreciation for the female body and what it goes through during a pregnancy.  Its amazing!  My therapist was telling me how he felt a little jealous while his wife was pregnant with his kids.  Because he would never be able to experience what she was feeling.  I told him I thought that was kind of odd. ha ha.  I mean, maybe its because my body is capable of doing those things.  However, the thought of it makes me cringe. 

I guess this is the jist of what has been happening the past month or so.  I'll try not to wait another month before I do another post.

#illtrynottobeaslackerthistime

Chatting with Mom...

So its been a week since that last post and I was starting to even wonder if this blog was a good idea.  Not that I feel I'd need to make a post everyday but I was thinking, maybe I don't have much to talk about.  *shrugs*  But it so happens that something came up and it really made me think.

I was on the phone with my mom.  She hasn't been feeling well and have been seeing the doctor and they haven't been able to find out the source of the pain she is having.  So I gave her a call because I tend to worry and I checked in to see how things were going.  We start chatting and she is feeling better, which is great! 

We then change the subject, to talk about the baby.  The conversation goes kinda like this. Obviously this isn't verbatim.

Me:  G has been moving around like crazy in Jen's belly.
Mom:  Aww really?
Me:  Yeah, he is probably dancing in there.
Mom:  He probably really likes music.
Me:  Maybe.
Mom:  I think so.  Jen really likes music and on the father likes music too.....
Me:  Mom... We don't call him the father.  He is the donor.  And it hurts my feelings when you said that.

Now let me first say that English is my mom's second language.  She has been living in the states for quite a long time however, there are certain things that are hard for her when its new or just things that most people don't talk about everyday.  Things like talking about sperm donors and stuff.  I know she didn't do it on purpose and there were times during my transition where she might have said something that hurt my feelings, but I knew she didn't mean it and it was just new for her and she didn't know the right words to use.  But when she called the donor the father my heart literally sank.  It sank SO deep.

After I told her that it hurt my feelings and that we refer to him as the donor, she said how the word "donor" was just odd to her because of the English. I told he she could say "Sperm" instead and we laughed and she said that was good too. She apologized for what she said and everything is fine. 

I was really glad that I said something.  I didn't use to say things that were on my mind like that when I was younger. My mom had mental health issues and I never new what was going to set her off, so I never really said much of anything.  So I felt really good about saying something.  I knew I HAD to.  I need to start doing it now so that it wasn't going to happen when G is born. 

After we talked we starting talking about my step-dad.  Who I see is my ACTUAL dad.  He raised me and I have no association at all with my biological father.  Even when I legally changed my name for the transition, I took my step-dad's last name.  I felt like it was my way of showing him that I see him as my father.  Strangely though, I don't call him dad.  I've always called him by his first name.  And lately I got to thinking.  He IS my dad, he has raised me since I was a little kid.  Why haven't I started calling him "dad".  I felt bad about that.  So I was telling my mom (because he wasn't there) that I was going to start calling him dad.  I didn't want G to grow up and wonder why I didn't call his Grandpa, Dad. 

So I'll start calling my step-dad... as Dad.  He deserves it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a quick post because I know I'll forget on Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to this amazing woman!   



Taken early 1980s

Taken in 2014

Although we've had our ups and downs... This woman is amazing.  And I'm very lucky to have her as my mother.



He's Got Your Eyes

So the wife and I got more things done in G's room.  We finally decided to go through the closet that's in his room.  It was mostly used to store all the holiday stuff we had like the Christmas tree and 3 bins of various ornaments, winter house decor and the Hanukkah stuff.  And a bunch of other random crap we never used.  We went through and organized some things around, got rid of a bunch of stuff and were able to make room in there so we will be able to actually hang stuff in there!

My wife also made this really cute ribbon wreath to hang on the front of his door.  I helped by painting the wooden "G".  I'm so crafty!

As the weeks go by, of course my wife's belly is growing.  Its SO cool to see and its really amazing how the human body works.  I've been able to feel and see G kick several times which is awesome!  But because of the growing belly, when ever we go out, of course people ask about the pregnancy.  Which is wonderful and I don't mind at all.  But there are a couple things I do worry about sometimes.  And how I'm gonna deal with it down the road.

Sometimes when strangers see a pregnant lady its like they turn in to "know-it-all" vultures that insist on telling us "the right thing" to do with the baby or during the pregnancy or whatever.  Or they are the "I love ALL the babies!" people and literally rub her belly.  I mean really?!  I'm sure it bothers her more than it does me.  But what worries me sometimes is if they do the "Who will the baby look more like the mom or the dad?" game.  It hasn't really happened yet.  We did have an acquaintance say that our baby is going to look so cute because of us.  They don't know I'm trans.  and of course strangers don't know I'm trans either.  And I know this is just something people do.  But I do worry sometimes that we will be out with our newborn and people will say to me, "Oh, he has your eyes." or whatever.  Does that bother me?  A little.

But when that does happen, I feel I'll just say, "Thank you", smile, and move along.  In the end its all about how happy and grateful I am to be G's father.  No.  Matter.  What. 

The little things...

Well I haven't had a lot to write about the past couple of days but today, there were a couple of things I noticed that got me really excited for when Grayson arrives.

The wife and I had to go to Target to grab a few things. As we strolled around the store we were walking past the toys section.  Kids with their parents, trying to convince them they NEED a particular toy.  I remember as a kid going on a trip to the store and how exciting it was.  And maybe, just maybe, I would get lucky enough to get to pick out a toy.

Later after we finished up at Target, we decided to stop at Kohr Bros for some frozen custard.  It was really nice to just sit outside, talk and have a yummy treat.  It made think about Kohr Bros on the boardwalk at the beach and how kids would be so excited to get a fun treat.  The laughter and the smiles.

It was then when I realized the little things.  Every now and then its nice to check in with yourself and appreciate the little things.  I smiled to myself, even on the drive home.  I was in a great mood.  Singing my heart out to the Hall and Oats version of "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" on the radio and making my wife laugh with my silly voices and awesome car dancing.  I'd ask her why she would be smiling or laughing.  And she would say because I was funny.  It made me think that when Grayson is in the car.  I'd probably not car dance as much, but still sing my heart out and making funny voices.  And hopefully making him laugh and/or sing along with me. 

These are moments I can't wait to share with my son.  And let him pick at out a toy every now and then at the store, or take him out for a treat and to just able to see a look of sheer joy in his face. (Even when it might be covered with maybe a large amount of melted chocolate or something.)

I know these are things that pretty much each and every parent gets to experience.  And that these things don't really have anything to do with being a transdad.  It just has to do with being a dad.  A regular dad.  And that's the best part.  To be able to soon experience something so simple, so innocent, and so "normal", is pretty spectacular in my book.

Internets...you so crazy! (Just a quick post)

Crazy in a good way.

Just in the past few days, I've been able to uncover more and more resources for transdads, and DI dads.  I swear when I was looking months ago I found nothing.  But the Google Search Gods must have come together in the "Let's show Marc the way" meeting and opened up a world of info for me.

And I didn't have to go through 20 pages in the search either... Seriously, how many "O's" can the word Google have before it should really just say, "What the fuck are you looking for?!"

Well, thank you Google Search Gods.... Thank you.

Its times like this I'm glad we have things like the internet. 



I guess I should do an ACTUAL introduction

So I've only posted a few times and realized that I never did a REAL "introduction" post.  I guess this will be it.

My name is Marc and I was born female.  I'm 33 years old, and my wife and I have been married since September 2006.  We've talked about starting a family when we got married.  Maybe even a bit before. (I can't remember.) As we started the process of looking at donors and started to figure out how we will pay for everything things were put on hold.  I was depressed, not with our marriage or life really... but depressed with myself.  I started going to therapy and finally realized what was making me so miserable.  I finally came to terms with the fact that I was transgender.  I was male, stuck in a female body. And I dropped the bomb on my wife and told her that  I knew what I needed to do to be happy, was to start my transition.  So I did.  I started Testosterone, changed my name, started going by male pronouns, etc...

Starting our family was put on hold.  We needed to work on our relationship first.  Things were rocky and we need to build back up our lives before we went forward with having a child.  I'll fast forward a bit since this blog isn't about my marriage, but things ended up working out.

As things were finally coming together and we were a happy married couple again, the topic of kids came back up.  We started looking up donors again and started saving money.  We knew our insurance wasn't going to pay for any of this, so we just started saving as much money as we could.  We went to a local hospital and talked with their fertility specialists to start the process of having kids. We let the doctor know I was trans and that we needed to use a donor.  I was worried at first.  I never know how people will be when I bring up the fact that I'm trans.  Its not that I'm stealth about it by any means.  Its just not the first thing I bring up to people when I meet them.  He told us that it wasn't a problem and they could help!  We were happy!

We finally decided on a donor and bought the vial online to be sent to the hospital.  (I still think its a crazy process that you can just go online and order sperm from the cryobank!)  We could only afford one vial at a time after saving for months so we were hoping for the best.  When my wife got to go ahead from the ovulation predictor kit we did our first IUI, waited our 2 weeks and... shark week came for my wife and we were back to saving.

When we finally saved and saved month after month and did the whole process 2 more times... and nothing.  We were getting discouraged.  I felt inferior as a man that I couldn't produce sperm of my own. I had to keep telling myself that there are other couples who try and try for years and years... we couldn't lose hope after only trying 3 times.  The doctor said it takes on average of about 3-5 IUIs with a healthy woman before there was conception. We were still in that range.  And my wife didn't have any fertility issues.  So we didn't lose hope.

We saved up again and finally... on our fourth try... the eagle landed!  We got our BFP (Big Fat Positive) at the end of November 2013.

So here we are... my wife is 23 almost 24 weeks pregnant, we are prepping for little G to arrive and I'm gonna be a father... finally.

<3

Papa bird is nesting...

So the wife and I spent a good hunk of the weekend getting more things set up in G's room. We unpacked the huge duffle bag of baby clothes my mom sent us home with when we visited them in Florida the other week. I put up a cute wall decal in his room and it turned out wonderful! Things are really starting to come together. Things are really starting to sink in even more.

HE WILL BE HERE IN ABOUT 16 WEEKS!  

This is real. So real. 

But not in the, "Oh my god, what did we do?" way. But more in the, "There is SO much to do, can I get it all done in time?" way. And that's when it hit me. 

Time is gonna start flying from here on out. 

One of my biggest concerns about being a transdad/DI dad is telling him he was conceived via donor. It's something my wife and I have talked about. Even before we started this process. I don't want to keep it a secret from him. I don't want to wait until he is in his teens or older to tell him and have it blow up in my face. 

My wife and I talked about how we want to introduce the fact that each and every family is different. There are ALL TYPES of families. And the common denominator is LOVE. And that sometimes people need help to have a family and it doesn't make them any less of a family. 

But how/when do I slowly introduce these things to him? There are so many things that I have questions/concerns about and at times feel completely alone with them. 

I know a lot of parents, but only a couple of trans parents. But their situation is a bit different than mine. I just don't want my son to feel that I was lying to him, or was keeping this huge secret from him. 

And when we do tell him about being a DI kid, then I would have to tell him that I'm trans.  A man that can't produce his own biological kids, a man that was assigned female at birth. Will he see me as less of a man than other dads?

Let's Go Shopping

Clothes shopping.

Its something that I personally HATED with a passion as a kid. My mother would try to get me to dress more girly but soon realized that it wasn’t for me. She was great about just letting me be the “tomboy” I thought I was. It honestly wasn’t until I was about a year into my transition that I really ENJOYED shopping for clothes. I found my style and loved getting dressed up. And now I get to shop for my kid! This makes me very happy.

But slightly conflicted at the same time….

As I’m sifting through all the adorable dapper boys clothes for my son, I start to think. The only person that will be able to tell me the gender of my kid will be my kid. But am I wrong for picking out male clothes for him? I mean of course once he is able to pick out his own style of clothing he can wear whatever he wants to express his gender. I feel sometimes that people who know that I’m trans, might question on how I am making my son conform to gender norms early. But infants aren’t able to convey those things… right?

Its little things like this that make me wish I knew other transgender parents. I guess this is just another thing I can add to my “Worry List” I’ll have as a parent.

NEED!!

 

 

 

 

Found this awesome onesie on thinkgeek.com and I have to buy it. It says, “Made with LOVE (And Science!)

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/e74b/

To Blog or Not To Blog...

To blog or not to blog about my life as a father. This has been something I’ve been thinking about for some time.

There are billions of blogs out in the interwebs. Lots of blogs about being a parent, mainly mothers. There are even quite a few blogs that are written by fathers. But as I kept searching and searching and I found very few blogs written by transgender parents. This is when I started to ask myself, should I try to do a blog about life as a trans-parent? Not that I feel there are any differences in cis-gender parents versus trans-parents. But do I really want to put myself out there? As of right now, I guess I do. But we shall see how far it goes.

My wife is due in August. She has been amazing and wonderful. It was a long process for us to get pregnant, but once “the eagle landed” it was of course all well worth it. So many thoughts trample my brain. And it honestly feels like it was only a few weeks ago that we both fell to our knees with tears of joy in our eyes when we saw “YES” on the pregnancy test.

My son isn’t even born yet and there are some things that I wonder about. Things I’m not even sure cis-gender parents even question . From silly things like, “How will I teach him how to pee standing up? I don’t even pee standing up!!” Or more complicated things like, “If/when should I tell him that I was born female?” Or “That he was conceived from a donor.”

I don’t plan on this blog being a “How to” type thing. I guess as of right now, it’s more about my thoughts on being a parent. Which might be slightly different from the “average” man. I guess this is my small introductory post.

Hi, I’m Marc and I’m a transdad to-be. Welcome to my blog. Enjoy!