Chatting with Mom...

So its been a week since that last post and I was starting to even wonder if this blog was a good idea.  Not that I feel I'd need to make a post everyday but I was thinking, maybe I don't have much to talk about.  *shrugs*  But it so happens that something came up and it really made me think.

I was on the phone with my mom.  She hasn't been feeling well and have been seeing the doctor and they haven't been able to find out the source of the pain she is having.  So I gave her a call because I tend to worry and I checked in to see how things were going.  We start chatting and she is feeling better, which is great! 

We then change the subject, to talk about the baby.  The conversation goes kinda like this. Obviously this isn't verbatim.

Me:  G has been moving around like crazy in Jen's belly.
Mom:  Aww really?
Me:  Yeah, he is probably dancing in there.
Mom:  He probably really likes music.
Me:  Maybe.
Mom:  I think so.  Jen really likes music and on the father likes music too.....
Me:  Mom... We don't call him the father.  He is the donor.  And it hurts my feelings when you said that.

Now let me first say that English is my mom's second language.  She has been living in the states for quite a long time however, there are certain things that are hard for her when its new or just things that most people don't talk about everyday.  Things like talking about sperm donors and stuff.  I know she didn't do it on purpose and there were times during my transition where she might have said something that hurt my feelings, but I knew she didn't mean it and it was just new for her and she didn't know the right words to use.  But when she called the donor the father my heart literally sank.  It sank SO deep.

After I told her that it hurt my feelings and that we refer to him as the donor, she said how the word "donor" was just odd to her because of the English. I told he she could say "Sperm" instead and we laughed and she said that was good too. She apologized for what she said and everything is fine. 

I was really glad that I said something.  I didn't use to say things that were on my mind like that when I was younger. My mom had mental health issues and I never new what was going to set her off, so I never really said much of anything.  So I felt really good about saying something.  I knew I HAD to.  I need to start doing it now so that it wasn't going to happen when G is born. 

After we talked we starting talking about my step-dad.  Who I see is my ACTUAL dad.  He raised me and I have no association at all with my biological father.  Even when I legally changed my name for the transition, I took my step-dad's last name.  I felt like it was my way of showing him that I see him as my father.  Strangely though, I don't call him dad.  I've always called him by his first name.  And lately I got to thinking.  He IS my dad, he has raised me since I was a little kid.  Why haven't I started calling him "dad".  I felt bad about that.  So I was telling my mom (because he wasn't there) that I was going to start calling him dad.  I didn't want G to grow up and wonder why I didn't call his Grandpa, Dad. 

So I'll start calling my step-dad... as Dad.  He deserves it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a quick post because I know I'll forget on Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to this amazing woman!   



Taken early 1980s

Taken in 2014

Although we've had our ups and downs... This woman is amazing.  And I'm very lucky to have her as my mother.



He's Got Your Eyes

So the wife and I got more things done in G's room.  We finally decided to go through the closet that's in his room.  It was mostly used to store all the holiday stuff we had like the Christmas tree and 3 bins of various ornaments, winter house decor and the Hanukkah stuff.  And a bunch of other random crap we never used.  We went through and organized some things around, got rid of a bunch of stuff and were able to make room in there so we will be able to actually hang stuff in there!

My wife also made this really cute ribbon wreath to hang on the front of his door.  I helped by painting the wooden "G".  I'm so crafty!

As the weeks go by, of course my wife's belly is growing.  Its SO cool to see and its really amazing how the human body works.  I've been able to feel and see G kick several times which is awesome!  But because of the growing belly, when ever we go out, of course people ask about the pregnancy.  Which is wonderful and I don't mind at all.  But there are a couple things I do worry about sometimes.  And how I'm gonna deal with it down the road.

Sometimes when strangers see a pregnant lady its like they turn in to "know-it-all" vultures that insist on telling us "the right thing" to do with the baby or during the pregnancy or whatever.  Or they are the "I love ALL the babies!" people and literally rub her belly.  I mean really?!  I'm sure it bothers her more than it does me.  But what worries me sometimes is if they do the "Who will the baby look more like the mom or the dad?" game.  It hasn't really happened yet.  We did have an acquaintance say that our baby is going to look so cute because of us.  They don't know I'm trans.  and of course strangers don't know I'm trans either.  And I know this is just something people do.  But I do worry sometimes that we will be out with our newborn and people will say to me, "Oh, he has your eyes." or whatever.  Does that bother me?  A little.

But when that does happen, I feel I'll just say, "Thank you", smile, and move along.  In the end its all about how happy and grateful I am to be G's father.  No.  Matter.  What. 

The little things...

Well I haven't had a lot to write about the past couple of days but today, there were a couple of things I noticed that got me really excited for when Grayson arrives.

The wife and I had to go to Target to grab a few things. As we strolled around the store we were walking past the toys section.  Kids with their parents, trying to convince them they NEED a particular toy.  I remember as a kid going on a trip to the store and how exciting it was.  And maybe, just maybe, I would get lucky enough to get to pick out a toy.

Later after we finished up at Target, we decided to stop at Kohr Bros for some frozen custard.  It was really nice to just sit outside, talk and have a yummy treat.  It made think about Kohr Bros on the boardwalk at the beach and how kids would be so excited to get a fun treat.  The laughter and the smiles.

It was then when I realized the little things.  Every now and then its nice to check in with yourself and appreciate the little things.  I smiled to myself, even on the drive home.  I was in a great mood.  Singing my heart out to the Hall and Oats version of "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" on the radio and making my wife laugh with my silly voices and awesome car dancing.  I'd ask her why she would be smiling or laughing.  And she would say because I was funny.  It made me think that when Grayson is in the car.  I'd probably not car dance as much, but still sing my heart out and making funny voices.  And hopefully making him laugh and/or sing along with me. 

These are moments I can't wait to share with my son.  And let him pick at out a toy every now and then at the store, or take him out for a treat and to just able to see a look of sheer joy in his face. (Even when it might be covered with maybe a large amount of melted chocolate or something.)

I know these are things that pretty much each and every parent gets to experience.  And that these things don't really have anything to do with being a transdad.  It just has to do with being a dad.  A regular dad.  And that's the best part.  To be able to soon experience something so simple, so innocent, and so "normal", is pretty spectacular in my book.