Time for an update

Well it's been almost a month since the last time I've updated...womp womp.

#ivebeenaslacker

I feel like I've been crazy busy.  Things however are going pretty well.  G's room is starting to come together.  Right now its still kind of a mess due to the stuff we are getting so there are some boxes laying around but overall things are good.  I've manage to get some things up on the wall.

Our latest addition is this awesome owl clock I found at Bed Bath and Beyond.  It fits perfectly.

His crib is also coming together nicely.  We threw some random things in there right now only because we haven't decided on where some of this stuff will go yet.  We need to get a some more shelving and possibly put up some of the stuffed animals and the books there.

These colors really made me feel relaxed and calm.  Hopefully it does the same for G!

Two weekends ago we have a little baby shower that Jen's mom did for us while we were in Maryland.  It was really nice and sweet.  We got to see some people we haven't seen in a long while and she did a great job with decorations and everything.  It was nursery rhyme themed and it was so adorable. 

And this past Saturday we had one here in Charlottesville.  Three of our friends got together and put together a great baby shower as well.  It was a Broadway themed shower and the invitations that were went out looked like Playbills.  It was great to see everyone there that supported us.  After we opened up presents I wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciated that they were there.  Jen and I invited the new local friends (and some closer family/friends that were near by) we made here that were always 100% supportive of our journey and this new chapter in our lives.  I may or may not have almost ugly cried while trying to say thank you.  These baby showers have really made things sink in.  G is almost here!!  I can't wait to meet this kid. 

In other news, Jen and I have both agreed that once G is born we will add him to the donor sibling registry.  We think it would be great to find other people that used the same donor we did and to have the kids be connected.  I think it will be great for G to meet and be able to connect with other kids that are also in his situation.  As I was looking online I decided to look on Facebook for the cryobank we used.  As I'm looking on the page I see all these happy stories and I start to see people post up which donor they used and asking if others have used the same donor.  People normally ask to see if they were successful in getting pregnant with that particular donor.  Well... as I was about to navigate away from that page I see someone ask if they had used Donor ####.  This was our donor!  Someone then commented and said they did and they were pregnant!  I immediately begin to go into Facebook stalking mode and messaged one of the mothers (They were a lesbian coupe).  I told her that we used the same donor and didn't know if she wanted to connect.  I know some people don't want to connect and that is perfectly okay! But I'll never know if I don't ask.  I'm not even sure she will even see my message since we don't have any Facebook friends in common it goes into the (Other) folder and she isn't notified.  We shall see.  I was able to see pictures of her beautiful new baby boy with a little "stalking" (Gosh the Internet is scary sometimes I guess ha ha).  And that was kind of neat to see.  It was great to maybe see some of the facial feature that G might have as well!  I'm sure our kids will look similar.

Also in other news because I've been a slacker in updating....  We've also started our baby classes.  We have 2 more classes to go.  That is another thing that is making this oh so real.  I think the biggest thing for me that I am a little scared/stressed about is the actual birth.  I'm pretty sure Jen is worried more about it than I am, rightfully so!  But what gets me is that while Jen is going into labor and giving birth, and she and her body are doing this miraculous thing... what the hell am I doing?!  She will be in pain and working her ass off giving birth... and there is pretty much nothing I can do to help.  I mean I know I will be helping her by being with her, supporting her, and doing whatever she needs to be comfortable.  But as someone who just wants to fix things in an instant... I think this will be hard for me.  Because I just can't fix whatever pain she is in.  That is all out of my control.  And that scares me. I'm sure these are all things most fathers feel.  But its also something I never really took into consideration before. 

I have much appreciation for the female body and what it goes through during a pregnancy.  Its amazing!  My therapist was telling me how he felt a little jealous while his wife was pregnant with his kids.  Because he would never be able to experience what she was feeling.  I told him I thought that was kind of odd. ha ha.  I mean, maybe its because my body is capable of doing those things.  However, the thought of it makes me cringe. 

I guess this is the jist of what has been happening the past month or so.  I'll try not to wait another month before I do another post.

#illtrynottobeaslackerthistime

Chatting with Mom...

So its been a week since that last post and I was starting to even wonder if this blog was a good idea.  Not that I feel I'd need to make a post everyday but I was thinking, maybe I don't have much to talk about.  *shrugs*  But it so happens that something came up and it really made me think.

I was on the phone with my mom.  She hasn't been feeling well and have been seeing the doctor and they haven't been able to find out the source of the pain she is having.  So I gave her a call because I tend to worry and I checked in to see how things were going.  We start chatting and she is feeling better, which is great! 

We then change the subject, to talk about the baby.  The conversation goes kinda like this. Obviously this isn't verbatim.

Me:  G has been moving around like crazy in Jen's belly.
Mom:  Aww really?
Me:  Yeah, he is probably dancing in there.
Mom:  He probably really likes music.
Me:  Maybe.
Mom:  I think so.  Jen really likes music and on the father likes music too.....
Me:  Mom... We don't call him the father.  He is the donor.  And it hurts my feelings when you said that.

Now let me first say that English is my mom's second language.  She has been living in the states for quite a long time however, there are certain things that are hard for her when its new or just things that most people don't talk about everyday.  Things like talking about sperm donors and stuff.  I know she didn't do it on purpose and there were times during my transition where she might have said something that hurt my feelings, but I knew she didn't mean it and it was just new for her and she didn't know the right words to use.  But when she called the donor the father my heart literally sank.  It sank SO deep.

After I told her that it hurt my feelings and that we refer to him as the donor, she said how the word "donor" was just odd to her because of the English. I told he she could say "Sperm" instead and we laughed and she said that was good too. She apologized for what she said and everything is fine. 

I was really glad that I said something.  I didn't use to say things that were on my mind like that when I was younger. My mom had mental health issues and I never new what was going to set her off, so I never really said much of anything.  So I felt really good about saying something.  I knew I HAD to.  I need to start doing it now so that it wasn't going to happen when G is born. 

After we talked we starting talking about my step-dad.  Who I see is my ACTUAL dad.  He raised me and I have no association at all with my biological father.  Even when I legally changed my name for the transition, I took my step-dad's last name.  I felt like it was my way of showing him that I see him as my father.  Strangely though, I don't call him dad.  I've always called him by his first name.  And lately I got to thinking.  He IS my dad, he has raised me since I was a little kid.  Why haven't I started calling him "dad".  I felt bad about that.  So I was telling my mom (because he wasn't there) that I was going to start calling him dad.  I didn't want G to grow up and wonder why I didn't call his Grandpa, Dad. 

So I'll start calling my step-dad... as Dad.  He deserves it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a quick post because I know I'll forget on Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to this amazing woman!   



Taken early 1980s

Taken in 2014

Although we've had our ups and downs... This woman is amazing.  And I'm very lucky to have her as my mother.



He's Got Your Eyes

So the wife and I got more things done in G's room.  We finally decided to go through the closet that's in his room.  It was mostly used to store all the holiday stuff we had like the Christmas tree and 3 bins of various ornaments, winter house decor and the Hanukkah stuff.  And a bunch of other random crap we never used.  We went through and organized some things around, got rid of a bunch of stuff and were able to make room in there so we will be able to actually hang stuff in there!

My wife also made this really cute ribbon wreath to hang on the front of his door.  I helped by painting the wooden "G".  I'm so crafty!

As the weeks go by, of course my wife's belly is growing.  Its SO cool to see and its really amazing how the human body works.  I've been able to feel and see G kick several times which is awesome!  But because of the growing belly, when ever we go out, of course people ask about the pregnancy.  Which is wonderful and I don't mind at all.  But there are a couple things I do worry about sometimes.  And how I'm gonna deal with it down the road.

Sometimes when strangers see a pregnant lady its like they turn in to "know-it-all" vultures that insist on telling us "the right thing" to do with the baby or during the pregnancy or whatever.  Or they are the "I love ALL the babies!" people and literally rub her belly.  I mean really?!  I'm sure it bothers her more than it does me.  But what worries me sometimes is if they do the "Who will the baby look more like the mom or the dad?" game.  It hasn't really happened yet.  We did have an acquaintance say that our baby is going to look so cute because of us.  They don't know I'm trans.  and of course strangers don't know I'm trans either.  And I know this is just something people do.  But I do worry sometimes that we will be out with our newborn and people will say to me, "Oh, he has your eyes." or whatever.  Does that bother me?  A little.

But when that does happen, I feel I'll just say, "Thank you", smile, and move along.  In the end its all about how happy and grateful I am to be G's father.  No.  Matter.  What. 

The little things...

Well I haven't had a lot to write about the past couple of days but today, there were a couple of things I noticed that got me really excited for when Grayson arrives.

The wife and I had to go to Target to grab a few things. As we strolled around the store we were walking past the toys section.  Kids with their parents, trying to convince them they NEED a particular toy.  I remember as a kid going on a trip to the store and how exciting it was.  And maybe, just maybe, I would get lucky enough to get to pick out a toy.

Later after we finished up at Target, we decided to stop at Kohr Bros for some frozen custard.  It was really nice to just sit outside, talk and have a yummy treat.  It made think about Kohr Bros on the boardwalk at the beach and how kids would be so excited to get a fun treat.  The laughter and the smiles.

It was then when I realized the little things.  Every now and then its nice to check in with yourself and appreciate the little things.  I smiled to myself, even on the drive home.  I was in a great mood.  Singing my heart out to the Hall and Oats version of "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" on the radio and making my wife laugh with my silly voices and awesome car dancing.  I'd ask her why she would be smiling or laughing.  And she would say because I was funny.  It made me think that when Grayson is in the car.  I'd probably not car dance as much, but still sing my heart out and making funny voices.  And hopefully making him laugh and/or sing along with me. 

These are moments I can't wait to share with my son.  And let him pick at out a toy every now and then at the store, or take him out for a treat and to just able to see a look of sheer joy in his face. (Even when it might be covered with maybe a large amount of melted chocolate or something.)

I know these are things that pretty much each and every parent gets to experience.  And that these things don't really have anything to do with being a transdad.  It just has to do with being a dad.  A regular dad.  And that's the best part.  To be able to soon experience something so simple, so innocent, and so "normal", is pretty spectacular in my book.

Internets...you so crazy! (Just a quick post)

Crazy in a good way.

Just in the past few days, I've been able to uncover more and more resources for transdads, and DI dads.  I swear when I was looking months ago I found nothing.  But the Google Search Gods must have come together in the "Let's show Marc the way" meeting and opened up a world of info for me.

And I didn't have to go through 20 pages in the search either... Seriously, how many "O's" can the word Google have before it should really just say, "What the fuck are you looking for?!"

Well, thank you Google Search Gods.... Thank you.

Its times like this I'm glad we have things like the internet. 



I guess I should do an ACTUAL introduction

So I've only posted a few times and realized that I never did a REAL "introduction" post.  I guess this will be it.

My name is Marc and I was born female.  I'm 33 years old, and my wife and I have been married since September 2006.  We've talked about starting a family when we got married.  Maybe even a bit before. (I can't remember.) As we started the process of looking at donors and started to figure out how we will pay for everything things were put on hold.  I was depressed, not with our marriage or life really... but depressed with myself.  I started going to therapy and finally realized what was making me so miserable.  I finally came to terms with the fact that I was transgender.  I was male, stuck in a female body. And I dropped the bomb on my wife and told her that  I knew what I needed to do to be happy, was to start my transition.  So I did.  I started Testosterone, changed my name, started going by male pronouns, etc...

Starting our family was put on hold.  We needed to work on our relationship first.  Things were rocky and we need to build back up our lives before we went forward with having a child.  I'll fast forward a bit since this blog isn't about my marriage, but things ended up working out.

As things were finally coming together and we were a happy married couple again, the topic of kids came back up.  We started looking up donors again and started saving money.  We knew our insurance wasn't going to pay for any of this, so we just started saving as much money as we could.  We went to a local hospital and talked with their fertility specialists to start the process of having kids. We let the doctor know I was trans and that we needed to use a donor.  I was worried at first.  I never know how people will be when I bring up the fact that I'm trans.  Its not that I'm stealth about it by any means.  Its just not the first thing I bring up to people when I meet them.  He told us that it wasn't a problem and they could help!  We were happy!

We finally decided on a donor and bought the vial online to be sent to the hospital.  (I still think its a crazy process that you can just go online and order sperm from the cryobank!)  We could only afford one vial at a time after saving for months so we were hoping for the best.  When my wife got to go ahead from the ovulation predictor kit we did our first IUI, waited our 2 weeks and... shark week came for my wife and we were back to saving.

When we finally saved and saved month after month and did the whole process 2 more times... and nothing.  We were getting discouraged.  I felt inferior as a man that I couldn't produce sperm of my own. I had to keep telling myself that there are other couples who try and try for years and years... we couldn't lose hope after only trying 3 times.  The doctor said it takes on average of about 3-5 IUIs with a healthy woman before there was conception. We were still in that range.  And my wife didn't have any fertility issues.  So we didn't lose hope.

We saved up again and finally... on our fourth try... the eagle landed!  We got our BFP (Big Fat Positive) at the end of November 2013.

So here we are... my wife is 23 almost 24 weeks pregnant, we are prepping for little G to arrive and I'm gonna be a father... finally.

<3