How Does That Work?

Okay... lets do a real post now!

So as the weeks and days are fast approaching, I'm starting to get a bit more nervous.  Not in an "Oh my God... what did I get myself into." way.  But more of a "Oh shit... this is really happening." way.

There are things that I am constantly thinking about.  Sometimes I think its what keeps me up at night lately.  These things are simple.  And I'm sure every parent thinks about it... but maybe in a slightly different way. 

I've been thinking a lot about what he will look like.  What physical characteristics will he will take from Jen and what will he take from the donor?  Will he be blonde, or a brunette?  Will he have Asian eyes or not?  Genetics is a funny thing.  I am half Asian.. my mom Japanese and my biological father white.  Usually the Asian gene is much more dominate, those that are half Japanese like me usually look a lot more Asian.  I inherited most of the recessive genes I think.  G will be a quarter Asian... but there is still a big chance that he will look more Asian than me.  Which is fine by me! Everyone loves a cute Asian baby!

I blogged a while back about how I reached out to someone on Facebook that used the same donor we did and didn't think I would get a response back.  Well I did!  She was very nice and we talked about sharing pictures of our kids with each other.  I think this is a great resource.  Just to have someone to talk to I think is good.  Her little boy is adorable!  Its interesting to see what similar physical characteristics G will have with her kid. She set up a closed Facebook group for people that used the same donor so we all can be in contact with each other if we wanted.  There is another woman who just found out she is pregnant as well.  So exciting!!  I'm not gonna go into much detail with the other people because I want to respect their privacy.

Last week I received a random phone call from someone that I haven't talked to in over 3 years.  I didn't even have their number in my phone so I was hesitant to even answer it.  He called just to see how things have been with me since the move to Virginia.  I told him that the move here has been life changing.  I've been happier, I love my job, I was able to get top surgery and we are expecting a baby.

His first response.... "How does that work?"  What I wanted to say was, "What do you mean how does that work?  How the fuck do you think it works? Did you not take a biology class?  Do you not know what happens when a sperm and egg meet?" While I was thinking all these things he continued with, "So you guys just got some sperm or something?  Do you know the guy?" *facepalm*  I told him we went to a Cryobank and selected a donor and went to a doctor.   I didn't want to go into detail.  I don't really like talking about it in detail.  Not that I'm ashamed of it or anything.  But in all honesty... it doesn't matter.  The only time I'll probably talk about it in detail would be with other people who have to do the same thing for whatever their reason is.  Other than that... why we picked the donor, how we picked the donor, how much we had to pay, anything about the donor does... not... matter.

What matters is that I love my son with everything that I have and I will do whatever I can to make sure he knows that he is loved.  And that I'd do anything for him.

Just about 6 weeks to go!! Really short post....

Well ladies and gents... We have about 6 weeks to go before G is born. 

6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks?!  

So yeah... I guess its finally hitting me.  

I'll be blogging a bit more this weekend.  :)

Time for an update

Well it's been almost a month since the last time I've updated...womp womp.

#ivebeenaslacker

I feel like I've been crazy busy.  Things however are going pretty well.  G's room is starting to come together.  Right now its still kind of a mess due to the stuff we are getting so there are some boxes laying around but overall things are good.  I've manage to get some things up on the wall.

Our latest addition is this awesome owl clock I found at Bed Bath and Beyond.  It fits perfectly.

His crib is also coming together nicely.  We threw some random things in there right now only because we haven't decided on where some of this stuff will go yet.  We need to get a some more shelving and possibly put up some of the stuffed animals and the books there.

These colors really made me feel relaxed and calm.  Hopefully it does the same for G!

Two weekends ago we have a little baby shower that Jen's mom did for us while we were in Maryland.  It was really nice and sweet.  We got to see some people we haven't seen in a long while and she did a great job with decorations and everything.  It was nursery rhyme themed and it was so adorable. 

And this past Saturday we had one here in Charlottesville.  Three of our friends got together and put together a great baby shower as well.  It was a Broadway themed shower and the invitations that were went out looked like Playbills.  It was great to see everyone there that supported us.  After we opened up presents I wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciated that they were there.  Jen and I invited the new local friends (and some closer family/friends that were near by) we made here that were always 100% supportive of our journey and this new chapter in our lives.  I may or may not have almost ugly cried while trying to say thank you.  These baby showers have really made things sink in.  G is almost here!!  I can't wait to meet this kid. 

In other news, Jen and I have both agreed that once G is born we will add him to the donor sibling registry.  We think it would be great to find other people that used the same donor we did and to have the kids be connected.  I think it will be great for G to meet and be able to connect with other kids that are also in his situation.  As I was looking online I decided to look on Facebook for the cryobank we used.  As I'm looking on the page I see all these happy stories and I start to see people post up which donor they used and asking if others have used the same donor.  People normally ask to see if they were successful in getting pregnant with that particular donor.  Well... as I was about to navigate away from that page I see someone ask if they had used Donor ####.  This was our donor!  Someone then commented and said they did and they were pregnant!  I immediately begin to go into Facebook stalking mode and messaged one of the mothers (They were a lesbian coupe).  I told her that we used the same donor and didn't know if she wanted to connect.  I know some people don't want to connect and that is perfectly okay! But I'll never know if I don't ask.  I'm not even sure she will even see my message since we don't have any Facebook friends in common it goes into the (Other) folder and she isn't notified.  We shall see.  I was able to see pictures of her beautiful new baby boy with a little "stalking" (Gosh the Internet is scary sometimes I guess ha ha).  And that was kind of neat to see.  It was great to maybe see some of the facial feature that G might have as well!  I'm sure our kids will look similar.

Also in other news because I've been a slacker in updating....  We've also started our baby classes.  We have 2 more classes to go.  That is another thing that is making this oh so real.  I think the biggest thing for me that I am a little scared/stressed about is the actual birth.  I'm pretty sure Jen is worried more about it than I am, rightfully so!  But what gets me is that while Jen is going into labor and giving birth, and she and her body are doing this miraculous thing... what the hell am I doing?!  She will be in pain and working her ass off giving birth... and there is pretty much nothing I can do to help.  I mean I know I will be helping her by being with her, supporting her, and doing whatever she needs to be comfortable.  But as someone who just wants to fix things in an instant... I think this will be hard for me.  Because I just can't fix whatever pain she is in.  That is all out of my control.  And that scares me. I'm sure these are all things most fathers feel.  But its also something I never really took into consideration before. 

I have much appreciation for the female body and what it goes through during a pregnancy.  Its amazing!  My therapist was telling me how he felt a little jealous while his wife was pregnant with his kids.  Because he would never be able to experience what she was feeling.  I told him I thought that was kind of odd. ha ha.  I mean, maybe its because my body is capable of doing those things.  However, the thought of it makes me cringe. 

I guess this is the jist of what has been happening the past month or so.  I'll try not to wait another month before I do another post.

#illtrynottobeaslackerthistime

Chatting with Mom...

So its been a week since that last post and I was starting to even wonder if this blog was a good idea.  Not that I feel I'd need to make a post everyday but I was thinking, maybe I don't have much to talk about.  *shrugs*  But it so happens that something came up and it really made me think.

I was on the phone with my mom.  She hasn't been feeling well and have been seeing the doctor and they haven't been able to find out the source of the pain she is having.  So I gave her a call because I tend to worry and I checked in to see how things were going.  We start chatting and she is feeling better, which is great! 

We then change the subject, to talk about the baby.  The conversation goes kinda like this. Obviously this isn't verbatim.

Me:  G has been moving around like crazy in Jen's belly.
Mom:  Aww really?
Me:  Yeah, he is probably dancing in there.
Mom:  He probably really likes music.
Me:  Maybe.
Mom:  I think so.  Jen really likes music and on the father likes music too.....
Me:  Mom... We don't call him the father.  He is the donor.  And it hurts my feelings when you said that.

Now let me first say that English is my mom's second language.  She has been living in the states for quite a long time however, there are certain things that are hard for her when its new or just things that most people don't talk about everyday.  Things like talking about sperm donors and stuff.  I know she didn't do it on purpose and there were times during my transition where she might have said something that hurt my feelings, but I knew she didn't mean it and it was just new for her and she didn't know the right words to use.  But when she called the donor the father my heart literally sank.  It sank SO deep.

After I told her that it hurt my feelings and that we refer to him as the donor, she said how the word "donor" was just odd to her because of the English. I told he she could say "Sperm" instead and we laughed and she said that was good too. She apologized for what she said and everything is fine. 

I was really glad that I said something.  I didn't use to say things that were on my mind like that when I was younger. My mom had mental health issues and I never new what was going to set her off, so I never really said much of anything.  So I felt really good about saying something.  I knew I HAD to.  I need to start doing it now so that it wasn't going to happen when G is born. 

After we talked we starting talking about my step-dad.  Who I see is my ACTUAL dad.  He raised me and I have no association at all with my biological father.  Even when I legally changed my name for the transition, I took my step-dad's last name.  I felt like it was my way of showing him that I see him as my father.  Strangely though, I don't call him dad.  I've always called him by his first name.  And lately I got to thinking.  He IS my dad, he has raised me since I was a little kid.  Why haven't I started calling him "dad".  I felt bad about that.  So I was telling my mom (because he wasn't there) that I was going to start calling him dad.  I didn't want G to grow up and wonder why I didn't call his Grandpa, Dad. 

So I'll start calling my step-dad... as Dad.  He deserves it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a quick post because I know I'll forget on Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to this amazing woman!   



Taken early 1980s

Taken in 2014

Although we've had our ups and downs... This woman is amazing.  And I'm very lucky to have her as my mother.



He's Got Your Eyes

So the wife and I got more things done in G's room.  We finally decided to go through the closet that's in his room.  It was mostly used to store all the holiday stuff we had like the Christmas tree and 3 bins of various ornaments, winter house decor and the Hanukkah stuff.  And a bunch of other random crap we never used.  We went through and organized some things around, got rid of a bunch of stuff and were able to make room in there so we will be able to actually hang stuff in there!

My wife also made this really cute ribbon wreath to hang on the front of his door.  I helped by painting the wooden "G".  I'm so crafty!

As the weeks go by, of course my wife's belly is growing.  Its SO cool to see and its really amazing how the human body works.  I've been able to feel and see G kick several times which is awesome!  But because of the growing belly, when ever we go out, of course people ask about the pregnancy.  Which is wonderful and I don't mind at all.  But there are a couple things I do worry about sometimes.  And how I'm gonna deal with it down the road.

Sometimes when strangers see a pregnant lady its like they turn in to "know-it-all" vultures that insist on telling us "the right thing" to do with the baby or during the pregnancy or whatever.  Or they are the "I love ALL the babies!" people and literally rub her belly.  I mean really?!  I'm sure it bothers her more than it does me.  But what worries me sometimes is if they do the "Who will the baby look more like the mom or the dad?" game.  It hasn't really happened yet.  We did have an acquaintance say that our baby is going to look so cute because of us.  They don't know I'm trans.  and of course strangers don't know I'm trans either.  And I know this is just something people do.  But I do worry sometimes that we will be out with our newborn and people will say to me, "Oh, he has your eyes." or whatever.  Does that bother me?  A little.

But when that does happen, I feel I'll just say, "Thank you", smile, and move along.  In the end its all about how happy and grateful I am to be G's father.  No.  Matter.  What. 

The little things...

Well I haven't had a lot to write about the past couple of days but today, there were a couple of things I noticed that got me really excited for when Grayson arrives.

The wife and I had to go to Target to grab a few things. As we strolled around the store we were walking past the toys section.  Kids with their parents, trying to convince them they NEED a particular toy.  I remember as a kid going on a trip to the store and how exciting it was.  And maybe, just maybe, I would get lucky enough to get to pick out a toy.

Later after we finished up at Target, we decided to stop at Kohr Bros for some frozen custard.  It was really nice to just sit outside, talk and have a yummy treat.  It made think about Kohr Bros on the boardwalk at the beach and how kids would be so excited to get a fun treat.  The laughter and the smiles.

It was then when I realized the little things.  Every now and then its nice to check in with yourself and appreciate the little things.  I smiled to myself, even on the drive home.  I was in a great mood.  Singing my heart out to the Hall and Oats version of "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" on the radio and making my wife laugh with my silly voices and awesome car dancing.  I'd ask her why she would be smiling or laughing.  And she would say because I was funny.  It made me think that when Grayson is in the car.  I'd probably not car dance as much, but still sing my heart out and making funny voices.  And hopefully making him laugh and/or sing along with me. 

These are moments I can't wait to share with my son.  And let him pick at out a toy every now and then at the store, or take him out for a treat and to just able to see a look of sheer joy in his face. (Even when it might be covered with maybe a large amount of melted chocolate or something.)

I know these are things that pretty much each and every parent gets to experience.  And that these things don't really have anything to do with being a transdad.  It just has to do with being a dad.  A regular dad.  And that's the best part.  To be able to soon experience something so simple, so innocent, and so "normal", is pretty spectacular in my book.