Halloween, Thanksgiving and Gallstones... OH MY.

To quote one one of my favorite movies:  "Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well!" 

Hi... I'm Marc and I suck at keeping up to date.  I guess I have somewhat of an excuse.  Things have just been insanely busy.  I'll try and not make this post too long.  No one really wants to read my babbling anyway.

The last time I updated was over 2 months ago.  Our little man is now 3 months old!!  I'll get to pictures in a bit.  Time is just going by so fucking fast!  Its kind of scary to be honest.  I feel like there are times I'm neglecting life. But my wife and G are my life so I guess I'm not really neglecting it. 

I feel that I've hit a new point in my life.  Maybe the word "point" isn't the best word.  Its more like a milestone... maybe.  Its this new phase (Yes... phase is the word I wanted ha ha.) in life.  I have this need to be around other new parents, mainly new fathers.  Someone to talk to, rant to, bounce parenting ideas off of.  But I feel like I have ZERO time for that.  Zero time for socializing really.  And when we do, there are times I feel like we are "those" people.  If we were a title of an episode of Friends.. we'd be, "The Ones With The Baby".   I don't mean to make it sound negative.  I am VERY happy about it.  But its this phase much like the one after you get married and your the only married couple among your group of friends.  And sometimes you just feel awkward about trying to hang out with people.  I'm not really sure how to explain it.  But I know there are others that can understand what I mean.  Shit, maybe its just me.  Who knows.  Between craziness of work, being a new dad and my wife's health (which I'll get to in a minute), things are pretty much a whirlwind right now.

With life going by so fast and G growing up is starting to get me a bit worried.  The sooner he grows up the sooner I'll have to be more upfront about his origins.  I talk about to him now but its not like he knows what I'm really saying.  The more I talk to him about how much Jen and I wanted him in our lives, and that we had to use a donor in order to make this happen does help me talk about it more openly.  But I also don't have him talking back to me asking questions.  I don't know how he will feel about it.  I'm PROUD of being a transdad.  I'm PROUD of our unique family.  And I want him to be PROUD of where he came from too.  But how do I know he will?  I don't.  And that worries me sometimes.  


My parents finally were able to come up and meet G in person!  That was exciting!

G and his Baba.

G and his Grandpa.

Halloween... we did dress G up in a costume for his first Halloween.  He was an ADORABLE turtle!

Turtle time!

He is so cute!

We also had this little outfit a friend of mine made!

So not only did my parents come and G got to dress up for Halloween.  He also turned 2 months old!

He does NOT look amused.

November... We were able to get some really nice pictures done as a family.  LOVE these.  They turned out AMAZING.  (Also I was happy that I had a GOOD hair day! ha ha)

My brother, who lives in Wisconsin, sent G his first sports tee.  We are not sports fans but it looks good on him!

Game Face Ready! He looks so grown up in this picture.

And with November, G is now 3 months old!

He was probably pooping in this picture.

And then...comes Thanksgiving.  And this year I have SO much to be thankful for.  And the majority of the reason is why I do this blog.  For my son.  I'll definitely do an "End of the Year" blog post and get into more detail but this kid right here, has changed my life for the better.  My son, where the phrase, "Love at first sight" rings the most true.   And also with Thanksgiving brings the third element of my blog title... Gallstones.

My wife has been having a lot of health issues since after G was born.  What the docs first thought was just major acid reflux, it was really gallstone.  At least we know the real reason for all the pain and discomfort she has been dealing with.  She already had an appointment set up to talk with the surgeon to have her gallbladder removed, but on Thanksgiving she had this massive attack that ended up with her being put in the hospital with pancreatitis.  And that is how we spent our Thanksgiving this year.  Ideally not how we wanted to spend our first Thanksgiving with G but we just gotta roll with the punches.  Hopefully, she can get this gallbladder out and be pain free by the new year.

That about wraps it up for now I guess. Right now Jen is sleeping after an exhausting day at work and with G (She is able to take him to work with her which is great.) and she is still not feeling 100%.  G is sleeping in his little rocker in the living room while I sit here typing.  The TV is on but I'm not really paying attention, and I all of a sudden started thinking.  Thinking about my life.  Thinking about how far I've gone in my own journey of self-discovery.  

I remember in high school, just wanting to know WHO I was.  And when I thought I knew... I was only just beginning to discover my true self. 

When we're young, we all have this vision of what we think life is going to be for us.  Or at least, what we hope for it to be.  We take our map and try to draw the route on how we are going to get from point A to point B.  Deep down, we all know its never going to go as we planned.  There will be detours, closed roads, accidents, construction and major traffic jams.  And in certain moments, we all have road rage. However, every now and then, I think we all need to just take a second and look in the rear view mirror.  And be proud of how far we've gone.

1 Month Quick Update!

Well ladies and Gents....
On September 19th... which happens to be my parent's anniversary and also.... International Talk Like A Pirate day....Our little guy turned 1 month old!!

Happy 1 Month Birthday!!!

WHAT?!?!

People talked about how time flies with kids and how fast they seem to grow... but this is crazy.  Granted, the first week and a half he was in a hospital so that could be a bit of why it seems to be going fast but I know its not the ONLY reason. 

Its funny when I think back to when I was in middle school.  I didn't want any part of marriage or babies.  None of that.  But here I am married to an amazing woman and now a proud dad to this amazing kid.

As far as how I feel as a transdad... Well, that's hard to say really.  Which I guess is a good thing.  While things have been busy with G in our household, I haven't really thought about it too much.  At least not in a negative way.  Yes I know we are not biologically related but I don't feel that makes me any less his dad than if we were biologically related.  I have found things he does (which are limited of course.. he IS only a month old. :)) that make me feel more connected with him.  Simple things like him finally settling down after belting out the theme song to Arthur and Pokemon several times.  His farting and burping.  These are things I love haha.

I don't feel any less of a father because I'm trans.  And I know that there will be times where I will have some issues but right now in this moment... I'm a happy, proud father of an amazing boy.  And I can't wait to see how our relationship grows and develops.

Well this will be a short post.  As little G is starting to wake up.   Enjoy some pictures since I didn't get to post some on the last post.

Later Gator!!

I love this kid!!

Wife took this picture during our relax time. Ha!

The Rhythm of Fatherhood

I'm a music man... not really like Harold Hill, however I think I'd like to play that role someday! Ha!  But a lover of music.  Sometimes I feel our lives are a forever looping piece sheet of music, filled with key and time signatures, some measures are filled with accidentals and we grit our teeth to get through the madness and our sheet music also has an infinite amount of volta brackets for every situation.  We get used to a groove or melody and when there is a change midway through and we continue on with life's song.  We might miss a note or two and say, "... Shit... damn it... or what the what?!" but we all get through to the next portion eventually.  This is how I feel right now.  I'm just getting started in the next portion of my musical piece.  I'm trying to learn and get used to this new key signature and tempo.  Its not perfect... but its still beautiful.

G has been home with us just over a week.  And on Tuesday he will be 3 weeks old.  3 weeks!!  I feel like the first portion of his life is flying by fast.  Jen and I are trying to get a rhythm of parenthood and I think for the most part... its going well.  It's insane to me how quickly I think we've learned about G and who he is.  Our intuition has kicked in to high gear and we can (at times) know what he wants/needs.  This unspoken (sometimes crying/wailing) language.

There are days where I still struggle with the fact that he isn't biologically mine.  In a previous blog I talked about how the very first thing most people said at the hospital was how much he looked like me and how happy it made me feel. I know this will happen for a while. Its something that I will have to get used to and find different ways to deal with these situations.  But as he gets older by he day he grows and changes.  And those days are slowly going away.  And not that I want people to lie and say that he looks a bit like me.  Its just hard at times to hear over and over how much he looks like Jen.  Which in the long run... it's better for him to look like Jen than me!  :)

I've also gone back to work for the most part.  Took a few days off since G is home now so we can have some family bonding time.  That has been harder than I thought.  I have been feeling really overwhelmed.  Coming back after a holiday weekend and I still feel like I am struggling to get things in order.  Feeling like I can't catch up!  And that bugs the shit out of me.  I usually have my work things VERY organized.  And when that's out of my control, I get very overwhelmed.  Hopefully after the next few days back at work, I'll be able to get things back to "normal."



*** I have a lot more pictures to post... however my photostream is being a dick!**

Under One Roof.... Finally.

Things have been pretty crazy.  I had thought I'd update every few days but obviously... its not looking that way.  But the reason why I haven't updated in a week is a good thing!

My boy is FINALLY HOME!!  He came home on Friday, August 29th.  The day before I had a feeling that he was getting ready to come home soon.  He was seeing a ton of new doctors, doing "final" tests, to just make sure all his vitals and everything seemed stable.  While he was out of the NICU he saw a speech therapist several times to work with him on his feeding.  I never got to meet her but Jen did.  She worked really hard with G to help him remember and get back to sucking on a bottle.  He still had the feeding tube in so they would tube feed him the rest after he didn't eat anymore by mouth.  But after a couple days, the speech therapist had them remove the tube and not tube feed him the rest.  And that seemed to do the trick.  He started to eat more and more which was GREAT!

He also saw a physical therapist and an occupational therapist.  They worked with him to make sure that his motor skills and things were working properly.  They said they felt that everything was great.  He still has to see a developmental specialist for about the first year of his life to make sure he is hitting his milestones.  Even though the MRI is clear, doesn't mean that there won't be any issues of other kinds down the road.  So they are having him see someone just to make sure things are good as he gets older during the critical development time.  They said they don't see why he would have any issues but this is to just be sure.   He also got his eyes and hearing checked and passed that as well.

We are SO happy that he is home.  We are finally getting to figure out this parenting thing without having to go and do it at a hospital.  Without him hooked up to wires.  Its perfect.  He is perfect.  His smell, his eyes, his hair, his nose and ears... his baby movements, his farting and pooping.  All. Are. Perfect. To. Me.

I never really talked about in the last blog post about how I felt about some things.  I wanted to tell the story of his birth but there were some things I left out.

When he was born and they took him to the sick nursery before they transported him to UVA, I was able to see him and touch him for the first time.  The nurses around were telling me how much he looked just like me.  I had a lot of feelings about it.  Nothing bad.  Just different feelings.  All I could do was smile and say thank you.  And I would look at him and think, "Does he look like me?" "I don't know..", "I guess so.", "If they think so then that is good!"...  At times I was also thinking that maybe they were saying that just to be nice.  He obviously looks like he has Asian in him. Which works well for me.  But what really knocked it out of the ball park for me was my mother.  I had snapped what I felt was several hundred photos of him while I could before he left to UVA.  And of course after calling my parents and telling them everything that was happening as I knew things, I send them a pictures.  They of course thought he was the cutest. (I mean.. duh!)  But when I called back later and talked to my mom the first thing she said was, "I can't believe it!  He looks kinda of like you when you were born!"  I felt at ease then.  Not that I was uneasy but it was just something I needed to hear to help me feel more confident about everything.  It will definitely be interesting to see how he develops into adulthood.

The first night he was transferred out of NICU I stayed over night with him in his room.  It was the first time him and I would be alone.  Jen was home still trying to recover from the crazy C-Section and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be too lonely at night in the new place.  I was scared, nervous, and anxious.  He was really fussy that night.  But I stayed up pretty much all night with him.  Held him and tried to calm him down.  When he was getting really upset I would sing, "Put On A Happy Face", from Bye Bye Birdie and oddly... that seemed to help for a bit.  Most of all we chatted... well I chatted.  He was hopefully listening.  It was our first alone time.  Father and Son time.  We had a heart to heart.  I told him how much his mother and I loved him.  And that we can't wait for him to come home.  I also told him something I never really said out loud.  I told him that mommy and I really really wanted to have him. And we tried for a very long time.  And that we needed some help.  So that And although he and I aren't "blood"related, that I was his daddy and nothing was ever going to change that. I cried.  I cried a lot that night.  Not because I was upset really... I was just so emotional.  I was finally really holding my son and we had our first of many bonding moments.  It felt good and most importantly... it felt right.

I had read and talked to some fathers in an online group I'm a part of for DI Dad (Donor Insemination Dads) and all have said how they just felt so much better after doing that the first time with their kid.  I wasn't so sure but after I did... they were right.  They were SO right.  When the time comes where we slowly talk about where he came from and his story, it will just be easier down the road.

 He's been home so far for two nights.  And its definitely been a learning experience.  But, I seem to be adapting pretty well.  Right now, I just want him to sleep! Haha. He hasn't really slept too much during the day. Poor guy. He seems like he is trying to stay awake like he doesn't want to miss anything. Sometimes I think it's because he was in a strange place for over a week and he saw so many different people. He never had this "normal routine" of people before, and he just doesn't wanna miss anything?  He's been good the past two nights sleeping. It's the afternoons that are hard. He's eating like a champ we think. Way better than he did while at the hospital.

Jen is starting to finally feel better. Walking around a bit better than the past couple of days. She will feel better mentally once she can get around better.

Well, I should end now. It's taken me hours just to do this! Haha. I'll leave you all with some pictures. 

G finally home.  And Holly our cat seeing him for the first time.

Tooties!!!

Just burped!

Trying to calm him down at his first trip to the pediatrician.

Rock n Roll Baby!

And so the story begins

So a lot of people know that Jen has had our little G.  It was a rough start to his life.  I've been very vague about a lot of things on Facebook while trying to keep people that we know and love updated on things.  Why vague?  I don't have a "real" reason, but then again I really don't need to have one.  I guess the main reason was because I would have to keep repeating the story over and over. And to be honest, I don't really like to relive the moment.  After some thinking I remembered that I have this blog.  The very reason why I started this.  To document and remember things as Grayson is born and grows up.  So I felt that doing everything via this blog was he best thing to do.  Plus believe it or not, I do have friends and family that are not on Facebook. 

And so the story begins...

Jen's water broke at 6:30am Monday, August 18th.  She had just gotten up to go to the bathroom and barely made it before the flood gates opened.  She yelled for me but I was in the shower and didn't hear her.  She comes into the other bathroom and tells me she thinks her water broke.  We called the doctors office and they had us come in so that they could confirm.  With the amount of water that came out there was no doubt to us after a while that it indeed her water.  We then headed to the doctors office and the midwife there was going to test to the fluid that to confirm.  The funniest thing was that as soon as Jen took her pants off to get on the table another gush came. The midwife then said that , "Yup... water is broken" and we all kind of chuckled.  At this point all you can do is laugh.  We then pretty much realized that when it came to the birthing process... modesty is thrown out the window.

They told us to start walking and head over to the hospital by noon.  Unless she was starting regular contractions then we were to head over sooner.  We walked and walked around the neighborhood and no contractions.  So we headed over by noon.

Once we got there we headed into Martha Jefferson Hospital and got into our birthing room.  I would like to just say that the people at MJH from the time of insemination till we left there have been absolutely incredible.  Supportive, caring, and compassionate people.  I'll spare the details of birthing... so we will fast forward to about 2am on Tuesday, August 19th.

At this time Jen was finally 10cm dilated and it was time to push.  After hours of pushing G just didn't wanna come down and out. And by 6:30ish am...  C-section needed to happen.

The c-section started off very normal.  I sat with Jen by her head while they operated.  They were telling us everything they were doing.  But at the point where they were to pull him out.  That is where things became more difficult.  His head was still stuck in the birth canal and so they had to pull him up and out of that to get him out, an he then was stretched all the way out.  The doctor was about elbow deep trying to get his feet to pull him out.  And he was also facing up.  Not to mention that he is 9lb 8oz of a hunk of baby!  They had to push down on Jen up on her chest to try and get him out.  The doctor said that in his 30+ years doing this... this was one of the most difficult c-sections he had ever performed.

So after the insane c-section G was out and into the world, but he wasn't breathing.  They got him on the table and did CPR and still nothing.  His heart rate was starting to fall fast.  And things in the OR was just crazy.  People running around, talking all this medical stuff and it was pretty much the scariest thing I have ever had to see in my entire life. Jen and I were in hysterics and I felt caught in between trying to calm Jen down and trying to make sure my boy was okay.  They put a tube in his mouth and after what felt like an eternity he started to breathe again.  In those moments before he started to breathe I felt empty. I felt like my soul had left my body and there was nothing left. And as soon as they said he was breathing I became whole again.  

They took him over to the sick nursery in MJH and Jen and I went to the recovery room. The doctors and nurses came back and told us that due to the period of time with out oxygen there might be damage to the brain.  They also thought that he might have had a seizure as well.  And that he needed to get transferred to UVA NICU so that they could do treatment.  They did a Hypothermia Therapy on him followed by an MRI.

After a bit I was able to go back into the sick nursery to see him while they tried to get an IV into him.  They ended up having to put it in his belly button.  My first time seeing my son.  So many emotions ran through me.  I was so happy to see him, he was finally breathing on his own and the nurses were surprised on how fast he bounced right back.  My son awake and looking at me.  He is here and in the flesh.  All I wanted to do was hug on him and give him loads of kisses and love.  But I couldn't.  I could touch him and I felt so sad that he was going through all of this.  That Jen had yet to even see him and was wondering what was happening.  I was able to get some pictures of him during this process.

G was born 9lbs 8oz on August 19, 2014 at 8:01am!

My little man looking right at me.

G looking at me about to grab my finger.

G was on his treatment for 72 hours.  It was really hard to see him the way he was.  Cold and shivering, but each day I saw him he looked better and better.

(8/19) His first day at UVA NICU.  Just started treatment.

(8/20) G with better color.

(8/21) Even better color... Go G!

(8/22) Jen FINALLY out of MJH and getting to spend time with G!

They finished the cooling treatment on Friday night (8/22) to begin the slow warming process.  8/23 he was able to regulate normal body temperature on his own. And things were looking good.  He had the cooling tube removed, and his EEG wires removed.  We can finally see all that hair he has!

G with NO cooling tube down his throat.

Now the EEG wires are off his head!

Busy boy taking a rest.

Mother and Son finally getting skin to skin in Jen's shirt. So beautiful!

So now we are at the present... 8/24.  I tried my best to do a recap of what has happened this past week.  I left out some random things but whatever. :)

I'm FINALLY able to hold my boy.

This morning G had his MRI.  At first they said that we might not get results until tomorrow because it was Sunday.  But when we asked again the nurse didn't like that answer and made sure that there would be someone to read the MRI today!  We just got a call from the doctor and everything is clear!  G has past all his tests!!  Atta boy!  Either tonight or overnight tonight he will be transferred OUT of ICU and into regular inpatient!  All he has to do now is work on his feeding goals and we should be able to bring his chunky butt home!

There were plenty if times while I was visiting him in the NICU that I was torn. Especially when Jen was still at MJH and G was at UVA. I also questioned myself. Was I visiting enough? Did I stay long enough? Were people there judging me on how often I visited and stayed. Did G know? 

All in all I'm happy things are better and I can't wait to be lovin' on my boy. 

How Does That Work?

Okay... lets do a real post now!

So as the weeks and days are fast approaching, I'm starting to get a bit more nervous.  Not in an "Oh my God... what did I get myself into." way.  But more of a "Oh shit... this is really happening." way.

There are things that I am constantly thinking about.  Sometimes I think its what keeps me up at night lately.  These things are simple.  And I'm sure every parent thinks about it... but maybe in a slightly different way. 

I've been thinking a lot about what he will look like.  What physical characteristics will he will take from Jen and what will he take from the donor?  Will he be blonde, or a brunette?  Will he have Asian eyes or not?  Genetics is a funny thing.  I am half Asian.. my mom Japanese and my biological father white.  Usually the Asian gene is much more dominate, those that are half Japanese like me usually look a lot more Asian.  I inherited most of the recessive genes I think.  G will be a quarter Asian... but there is still a big chance that he will look more Asian than me.  Which is fine by me! Everyone loves a cute Asian baby!

I blogged a while back about how I reached out to someone on Facebook that used the same donor we did and didn't think I would get a response back.  Well I did!  She was very nice and we talked about sharing pictures of our kids with each other.  I think this is a great resource.  Just to have someone to talk to I think is good.  Her little boy is adorable!  Its interesting to see what similar physical characteristics G will have with her kid. She set up a closed Facebook group for people that used the same donor so we all can be in contact with each other if we wanted.  There is another woman who just found out she is pregnant as well.  So exciting!!  I'm not gonna go into much detail with the other people because I want to respect their privacy.

Last week I received a random phone call from someone that I haven't talked to in over 3 years.  I didn't even have their number in my phone so I was hesitant to even answer it.  He called just to see how things have been with me since the move to Virginia.  I told him that the move here has been life changing.  I've been happier, I love my job, I was able to get top surgery and we are expecting a baby.

His first response.... "How does that work?"  What I wanted to say was, "What do you mean how does that work?  How the fuck do you think it works? Did you not take a biology class?  Do you not know what happens when a sperm and egg meet?" While I was thinking all these things he continued with, "So you guys just got some sperm or something?  Do you know the guy?" *facepalm*  I told him we went to a Cryobank and selected a donor and went to a doctor.   I didn't want to go into detail.  I don't really like talking about it in detail.  Not that I'm ashamed of it or anything.  But in all honesty... it doesn't matter.  The only time I'll probably talk about it in detail would be with other people who have to do the same thing for whatever their reason is.  Other than that... why we picked the donor, how we picked the donor, how much we had to pay, anything about the donor does... not... matter.

What matters is that I love my son with everything that I have and I will do whatever I can to make sure he knows that he is loved.  And that I'd do anything for him.

Just about 6 weeks to go!! Really short post....

Well ladies and gents... We have about 6 weeks to go before G is born. 

6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks...
6 Weeks?!  

So yeah... I guess its finally hitting me.  

I'll be blogging a bit more this weekend.  :)